Lately, I have been having some major health problems. At first, I thought I could ignore what was going on. I was more apt to believe a neurologists that treated me in the emergency, who implied that I was crazy and making it all up. Unfortunately, I am sure that she and I were wrong. As these episodes have become worse, I feel death is getting closer if something isn't done to save me soon. I remember my father describing what it felt like when he was dying, and sometimes I think I know what he meant. Just as he said, it seems to creep through your body slowly. First with your toes, and then up to your fingers, throat and then head. I feel like I am hanging on by a thin thread these days, that I have narrowly escaped death thanks to the miraculous power of God. I think being close to death like this has put things in perspective for me. Even though this all started a mere month-and-a-half ago, I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds since the first time I found myself in the emergency room with "stroke-like" symptoms.

Just a few months ago, I was more likely to believe other doctors than my own body. Now, I have learned that the first person I should believe about my condition is myself and my body. I honestly think I would tell a doctor to stick it where the sun don't shine if they were to tell me that my symptoms were psychological, and for anyone who knows me, that is quite uncharacteristic. I think I have learned how to become my own advocate and back myself up.

I also have a new-found drive to be a better woman. I don't want to give in to despair anymore when my exercises at self-improvement utterly fail. If I want to be a better mother, wife, friend, sibling... whatever, I want to take the chance to try, despite all of my foibles that I have to contend with. Even though I believe I will live through this, I still feel my life slipping away, as well as my chances to learn and become a better woman. I sincerely pray that I will not squander these opportunities when my second chance at life comes along.

I have also acquired a determination to keep making music. I have always felt that making music was the way I could make the world a better place. Despite the overall lack of enthusiasm my musical endeavors have received thus far, I will still go on making music. I have learned how reliable the advice you get from your gut feeling is, and my gut has always told me to make music, despite my lack of talent or fans. I firmly believe that I will create something that will make someone's life better. Maybe it won't happen in my lifetime, but it will happen. Therefore, I will keep plugging away at it.

The one thing that I have been unable to change through this is my attitude towards death. I don't want to be afraid of it. Before I got married and had a husband and son, I wasn't afraid to die, but now I am. I have lived in fear for too long, and a lot of that fear stems from the fear of death. I want this all to have been part of my hero's journey. I want to look death in the face without crippling fear. I think that if I can come out of this whole debacle unafraid of death, I can do all those things the scriptures admonish us to do. I can wake up, shake off my chains, and rise up from the dust; because, really, I haven't really lived until I have done that. I think it's time for me to finally live.