This morning I knew I was going to be in trouble. By 11:00 AM I was acting like I belonged to the short bus. My poor husband suddenly had two belligerent children on his hands. I don't remember much of what happens when my mind goes. I know that I get really restless and keep trying to get up, yet I keep falling because I am too weak. I get really emotional and weep a lot, too. I get fixated on colors and names, and repeat them over and over again.
Sadly, when my mind finally comes back, I have to lay down and watch Nick take care of Jonas. It used to be a relief, but now I miss even being able to change poopy diapers. You see, Jonas has become my reason to live. I'm not a super great mom, and I probably never will be, but I would like to believe that he was sent to me for a reason. I would like to believe that I can offer him something that nobody else could, something that he needs to be happy and strong. So, the fact that I was feeling good enough to cook, clean, and take care of my Jonas the past two weeks was really a miracle. I'm really grateful that I was able to give him baths and feed him good food. I was so happy that I could chase him, even if I looked like Igor when I did. I got to make sure he was brushing his teeth, and I got to clean up after him. I even had the pleasure of taking him on a little walk. We talked about the trucks that drove by, and the rocks and the trees... We even watched a mother bird gulp down a worm for her babies. As she flew away, Jonas said "bye bye bye buh."
I don't know if I would have enjoyed motherhood as much if I had never gotten sick, but if there is anything my illness has taught me, it's not to take the little things for granted. When I get better, I hope I won't grumble about the mundane tasks associated with motherhood as much, but rather be grateful I can take care of them. After all, Jonas gave me a reason to live. The least I could do is change his poopy diapers.
