I was just looking at some wedding pics of a good friend from high school that caused me to take a little trip down Memory Lane. I remembered how after graduation and moving to Chicago, I wrote her a letter bluntly admonishing her to love herself more. She was so depressed all of the time, and she seemed to loathe herself. I was honestly afraid that she was going to kill herself. So, I decided to show her some tough love and I told her that I had a hard time being her friend because she was always so hard on herself and I couldn't watch her do that anymore. I always felt bad about that letter, but I wanted her to know that she was amazing and that she needed to start seeing herself that way.

Well, I think she finally did. Her wedding photos seem to prove it. She and her husband went to Italy and had a small yet breathtakingly beautiful wedding. Michelle looked absolutely stunning and deliriously happy. She was more beautiful than I ever remember her being. But more importantly, the photos of her husband revealed an unabashed adoration for Michelle that made me cry. I realized that Michelle had learned what I had so desperately wanted her to learn: how to love herself. You see, I have learned that there is no way a man could love and adore a woman that loathes herself.

So, when I saw how happy Mr. Michelle was to have her in his life and how he seemed to cherish her, I cried partly because I was so happy for her, and partly for selfish reasons. I realized that I haven't gotten a taste of my own medicine. I haven't learned how to love myself yet. The proof is in the pudding: all of the men I have been in relationships with have never looked at me the way Michelle's husband looked at her. I have been taken for granted over and over again. I have never been cherished, and I don't know if I ever will be.

But perhaps there is something remarkably positive in this revelation that I can focus on. First of all, I see that there is room for improvement in terms of me being kinder to myself, despite all of the strides I think I have made in that area. So, I will strive to find even greater peace about me being me. Second of all, any time I feel like I have been cheated of experiencing true love, I will take it to God. Since I have always had a hard time believing that God loves me, perhaps He can reinforce His love for me by granting me peace every time I turn to Him about my dismal love life, as He has in the past. Then, once again, God is offering me a chance to learn how to fully rely on Him.

I guess I need to stop belly-aching and get on my knees!