This morning I woke up with some major health issues. My lungs hurt to breathe, and I started dragging my leg while my left side got really weak. I had a hard time thinking clearly, and I couldn't get words out very easily. I felt like everything I went through the first time I had that stroke last year was happening again, and it scared the shit out of me.

I emailed my professor and let her know I wouldn't be coming to class, made Jonas breakfast, got him dressed, and took him to daycare. I came home and started to cry, because I didn't know what to do. Who do I call? Who do I tell? If I called my mom, she would tell me to go to the emergency room, which meant I would rack up more medical bills. My brothers have their own lives and are busy. My friends wouldn't know what to say and would just feel awkward. I'm a single mom, and I am old enough to know that I am not anyone's problem any more. This was perhaps the moment where I felt the most alone since my divorce. I skirted the internet, trying to have some sort of interaction with someone, however superficial it might be. I looked through my contacts on my phone, desperate to find a listening ear that wouldn't be burdened with my state of panic. I just wanted to be held, I wanted to know that everything would be OK. I wanted to be reassured that God wouldn't take me before my time because He knows I need to raise my son.

I have had several blessings admonishing me to keep my body very healthy, otherwise there might be dire consequences in relation to whatever my condition is that has caused me so many problems. When I was younger and had my symptoms, albeit with more mild manifestations, I wasn't afraid to die. I was OK with God taking me. However, now I have a son that needs me, and I want nothing more than to be healthy and strong so that I can raise him.

So, I guess I have two ways of looking at this situation. First, I can feel sorry for myself and spend all of my time asking God why I had to have the health problems I have when I'm expected to be a good single mother, a good employee, a good student, a good friend, and a good family member. Or, I can look at this as an answer to my long-standing admonition to God to help me learn how to fully rely on Him. I think I'll choose the latter.

I suppose instead of skirting the internet or checking my contacts on my phone, I could have gotten down on my knees instead, which I eventually did. Feeling peace, I let my exhausted body sleep and I woke up feeling like I had nearly circumvented another debilitating stroke. Now, I will wash my dishes and pick up Jonas from daycare carefully, since I feel like I'm still not out of the danger zone. And tonight, I will pray for comfort before I go to bed, and God can give me another spiritual hug, even though a real one would sure be nice... I'm sure even God understands that.